"U know wot ladz? I'll tell ya one
fing. Da big bosses come and big bosses go. But us Meks and our
gubbinz... we lasts! We ain't goin' nowhere.
First dere wos dat rich an' flashy
yellow big nob wiv all da teef in da world, who took us Orkses to da
skies. We gots all da planets and ulks we wonted ta plunder. We gots
rich an' shiny and all yellow. Gots moons all over us, and we Meks
could 'ave all da bitz an' gubbinz an' runt slaves we eva wants. We
Meks likes dat.
Da yellow nob even traded wiv da
oomies ta get us better materi-ols fer tinkerin' wiv. Da oomies gave
us dis bendy an' reddish koppa metal. We likes ta bash it nice an'
easy. But da oomies sez dat koppa ain't worth nuffink, so in da trade
we gave 'em deir 'eads lobbed orf. We likes dat, how da yellow nob
did tradin'.
But dat big yellow nob got too big, too
fat an' too teefy for da uvver bosses ta not get all greedy 'bout 'is
lot. So dem uvver bosses bagged 'im good an' propa. Dey bonked 'is
'ead orf and scraped all dat shiny yellow paints and moons orf.
Dem noo bosses wos all silly and
smelling funny like gruntas. Dey gots all da bog brown panties an' da
birds fevvas in dem 'eads. Dey sez we needs ta put orf all dat good
an' propa mekaniks, an' all da protekta field gubbinz. Dey sez we
needs ta put all dat silly paintings on our skinz fer da Mork ta
protekt us. Dey sez we needz da good ol' ways.
But we Meks, we knew best. Da good ol'
ways is best done wiv da propa gubbinz and mekaniks. We puts on da
protekta fields, started da engins and blasted da noo smelly bosses
in ta bitz right dere an' den. No needz fer da funny flashy tattoos
when yer already blown in da bitz.
So next up wontin' ta be da big boss
wos dat scally-wog pirate freebooterz lad. All dey sez is 'yarrrr
'yarrr 'yarrrr all over again, so we bilds da big space ship fer dem
an' zog 'em orf fer good. We Meks an' da propa boyz stayed on da
planets, an' when da big pirate space ship wos far in da sky, we
pushed da big red buttonz. Dat wos speshul auto-deto-natoon gubbinz
we sneaked in da ship. Dem thinker oomies sez "no-one can hear
yer scream in da space", but I'll tell ya when we seez da big
ship go boom up in da black skys wiv stars, dere wos dat tiny weeny
sound we 'eard wiv da mekanik ears we'z got. It sed 'yarrrrrrrrrrrr
fer da last time.
We Meks wos thinkin' it's all good now
an' we can jus' go an' tinker wiv 'em noo buggies and kans an' all.
But NO! Again dis anuvver nob thinks dem is big an' propa enuff fer
ta be da next big boss for us Orkses. Dey gots all da spiky horns and
skulls on da poles and funny pants wiv da black an' white lil boxes
on. But dem noo boss was also propa bashy an' big an' mean, so we
gots a lot more bashing and chopping going ons wiv dat tribe.
We builts big karts an' wagons for da
noo bosses boyz ta hop in. Dey sez: nuffink too fancy, jus' git us
fast an' propa to da enemies. Dey sez dey only needs us Meks fer ta
put oils in dem karts so dey kan go drive an' bash more 'eads. We
likes bashing a lot, so we woz not gonna argue. But when da boyz
don't rememba ta respekt da propa Ork Mekaniks, it's all fer
nuffink. We gots upsets.
So when da noo big boss wiv all da
skull poles an' horns an' silly checka pattern pants comes to us Meks
an' sez dey wants dat checka patterns painted on all da karts an'
buggies an' stuff, we aint's not gonna take it. We put propa gubbinz
on fings. We do Mekaniks. We aint's not nobody's paintas fer sure. So
I sez ta da noo big boss: "Lissen up, boss. Dese nice noo grot
Killa Kans we gots up an' runnin' would love ta help ya paint 'em!
See fer yerself, we gots dem nice an' propa paintin' gubbinz
installed on!"
So da boss went ta see 'em Kans up
close an' propa. All da boss got time ta see, wos dem Kans start
movin', lift dem klaws up, an' chop da noo big bosses 'ead orf. Dat
boss won't be seein' nuthin' no more. Actooly we gots ta install noo
drills fer da Kans, too. Sooze when dat old big boss wos chopped in
ta bits, we skewered up all dose legz an' handz an' da bosses 'ead in
dem noo drills, lit up da Kans skorchas, an' 'ad a propa barbekoo!
While chillin' out barbekooin' wiv da Meks an'
ladz, yet ANUVVER noo nob big boss wanna-be came to us. 'E sez dat 'e
likes dat bloody red paints splattered on all over da place. 'E sez
dat red wunz go fasta, sez 'e likes ta 'ave all dem buggies an' karts
an' bikes an' kans painted red. Fer da Morks sake, make up yer minds
already! Paint dem dis, paint dem dat. All da big bosses ever wants,
is ta 'ave all da noo speshul paints, an' den go bash more 'eads. We
Meks don't mind bashing fings up, but pleaze ZOG ORF wiv all da
paints an' paintings ya 'ave in mind. We don't not no care fer yer
silly kolors. We build an' bash mekaniks togevva. We ain't not no
paintboyz.
But da noo red big boss wiv da big red
sun bosspole wos sure 'e wanted dem karts red. So wot we Meks do is
ta put all da best gubbinz an' spikes an' choppa saws on da karts,
an' tell da red speed boyz ta go drivin nuts, an' drive in to da
enemies. Dat will auto-matik-li get da karts painted reds. So da noo
red big boss and dem red speed boyz does dat, an' everyunz very very
'appy wiv da resultz. We 'ad to spent zero teef on da aktool red
paints, an' got all da lotz ov boyz an' all da lotz ov karts all red.
From teef to toe. Woz all reds now.
When we wos 'avin a party fer good
bashings an' propa noo red paints on all over, da big red boss got
mad fer sumfink. Da boss sez dat reds is going orf. We looks in ta
it, an' fer Gorks sake dat's troo! Da nice an' shiny reds woz turnin'
in ta bog browns. Da painboyz sez dat's wot red paints made from
oomies does. First is all wet an' red an' propa, but later goes all
dark an' dry an' boggy. Sumkinda weird oomie curse dey gots in dem
weak oomie bloods.
So we'z gotta fink quick an' fast fer
not ta get our 'eads lobbed orf. But we Meks is bright an' kleva. We
tells da boss we puts all da karts out in da rainz. Thank Mork it woz
rainy nights den. We knows dat rainz is dat fing dat turns da uvver
fings wet an' shiny. We tells da boss ta wait 'till da next day. Den
all da karts is gonna be noo an' bright an' red 'an fast again.
In da mornin' we Meks got up early ta
seez how propa da noo reds is after da rainz. But iz all gone.
Ta make fings worse, is dat all da
karts are now turned blue in da kolor! Freakin' zog, wot wos dat soft
oomies koppa metal we 'ad been usin' on da karts all da time?
Sumkinda uvver oomies curse magik metals? Dat was all soft an' bendy
an' nice fer bashin' wiv hammas. Needed only lil' warm-ups wiv da
skorchas ta get it all ready fer bashin' an' buildin'. We heard dem
calls it koppa. Not like da propa iron we's makin' da choppas and
bullits wiv, but anuvver metal wot woz easy ta werk wiv.
We is jus' about ta git a few choppas
an' lobbas ready fer ta go snuff da big red bosses 'ead orf, when da nob from da loota boyz walks in. Da
loota nob sez 'e likes da blue koppa metal kolors. Sez 'e likes ta go
an' bash da 'ead orf dat uvver big red boss nob. We Meks sez dat's
all good an' propa. Becuz now we Meks 'ave invented da noo magik
koppa metal, dat paints itself blue wiv no effort. Jus' leave 'em
karts in da rainz, and all da koppa metals will be gettin' blue in no
time!
So u know wot ladz? Yooze jus' gotta
rememba dis one fing. All da big bosses come and big bosses go. So
let da bosses fuss about da kolors on dem karts an' dem pants. An' let us Meks do
da uvver, propa fings. We make da gubbinz an' karts an' shootas an'
mekaniks fer ya, an' den we goze togevva ta bash sum gits 'eads. 'Cuz us
Meks and our gubbinz... we lasts! We ain't goin' nowhere. Dat is da
propa Orky way, an' da propa Ork Mekaniks is foreva. No matt-er wot
kolors yer iz, jus' rememba ta bash more 'eads, an' 'ave ta propa
mekaniks fer doin' dat."
Yers truly,
TUFMEK
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